Look Out Landlubbers There Be Squalls Here

Too funny.  The dog was whining to be let outside for a pee, when I opened the door she took one look at the pouring rain and put all four binders on.  I had to give her a bit of encouragement by placing my foot on her ass and shoving her little butt out the door.  If its any consolation to her (and I know it isn't) I know how she feels.  This afternoon I had to give myself a mental shove on the butt to get myself out the door.  The wind was just howling up a storm (literally) and the snow was coming horizontally, making it a little difficult to see.  Walking with my back to it wasn't bad, but lordy, lordy walking into it was like walking into a vacuum cleaner plug in backwards.  All the little bits of crud that got sucked up blew right back into my eyes.  Since then, the temperature went from -2 to plus 2, the snow went from solid to very, very liquid.  I had to go out and shovel some of the stuff from in front of the door by sitting inside my kayak and scooping with the paddle.  I estimate that one shovel-full weighed about fifty pounds.  If the temperatures drop tonight we are in trouble with a capital T.  The westerner in me thinks it is exactly like a Chinook, but I know that they probably call it something else here, Sou'minister, or Nor'blister, or possibly Sou'nor'Easter, its hard to say, all I know is that it is really, really wet. 

So lately we have been pulling up small chunks of wallpaper, carpeting, ceiling tiles etc, just to see what *lies beneath*, its kind of like picking away at a scab, and let me tell you things are just a bit on the scary side in the *down under side*.  This evening the hubby pulled a chunk of panelling off the hallway wall, and joy of joys, it had been glued to the walls.  Which means that when we pull all of that beautiful panelling off we get to replace all the gyprock underneath it.  Which in itself isn't a big deal unless you take into consideration that we will probably have to replace about 80% of the interior gyprock in the house.  Which sucks because of the cost and labour involved, and double sucks because we will also have to figure out a way of getting rid of the old stuff.  I did a quick check to see if we could just bury it somewhere and create our own chalk pit for future archaeologists to get their panties all tied in a knot about, but it turns out that the stuff turns into some nasty mutant chemicals when mixed with water and if it leaches into the ground it will kill us all.  Well okay maybe not kill as such, but probably make us pretty sick, and when I say us, I really mean the denizens which live on our property because I wouldn't be stupid enough to bury it near the house.  Also it starts to smell like rotten eggs.  Yum that would be nice to wake up to every morning now wouldn't it.  Of course that would be when you would be hoping for a good Se'mester to come along and take the smell away, but we'd probably end up getting stuck in the Doldrums.

I keep saying, "When we pull the floors up we can use them for the gas shack.  When we pull the panelling off the walls we can use it in the gas shack. When we pull the laminate up we can use it in the gas shack."  If we actually did that by the time we reused all this stuff in the *Gas Shack* it would be bigger than our friggin house.  (Oh I bet the hubby would love that!  I can just see him salivating now.) 

I Am A Multi-Bazillionaire, All Bow To Me

It looks like something went wrong in my plan to win the lottery this time.  For the life of me I cannot understand what.  I thought I did everything right, a) decide to win the lottery, and b) buy a ticket.  I did both and it looks like it did not work.  How is that possible?

But all is not lost, because lucky for me I have been contacted by a banker in Nigeria who just happened to get my email and is trusting me because I am such a trust worthy person (probably because my email has such a trusting sounding name), and I believe god also led him to me, so for these very valid reasons he is willing to give me three million dollars.  Life is good when you are trust worthy.  I have also been contacted by a princess no less, she is being held by a wicked stepmother, her father who was the king of some country in Africa just died, leaving her 14 million dollars, half of which she is willing to give me if I help her get the rest.  Hmmm, this story sounds a little familiar to me, I wonder where I have heard it before?  Oh well, 7 million, woohoo.  Oh and of course there is the dead relative that died in a plane crash with his whole family, apparently there is about 20 million pounds sterling in the bank which I can have.  I could go on, but you get the drift.  I am a very lucky person when it comes to these kinds of windfalls.  So when all of these plans come to fruition, yours truly will be a multi-bazillionaire.  Now don't you wish you would have been nicer to me?

In the meantime I must continue on with the life that I have been living which means trying to think of a way to pull down walls without doing serious damage to...oh never mind, I can pull down walls until the cows come home because I don't have to worry about damaging anything.  Hey that is kind of like winning the lottery. 

Yesterday we had rain, rain, rain (noticed how I segued into a completely new topic without finishing the last one?  That is just the way my brain is working right now) then we had wind, wind, wind.  Today it was cold with more wind, well not cold as in "brrrrr its cold out there", it was more like "brrrr its colder than it has been for a few days".  The great thing about the rain is that it is really starting to beat the heck out of the snow.  And according to our neighbour only three more weeks and all the snow should be gone.  Now THAT is winning the lottery. 

Early Day Before Breakfast

I am posting this early today because I have a busy, busy day planned today.  To begin with I will go and eat breakfast right after I am done.  Then once I am done I will get dressed (perhaps I will get dressed before I eat breakfast, it is a tough decision).  Then I will work on a resume so the eastern world can see what a great person I am and immediately hire me and pay me six figures.  Of course my job title would be 'Stay At The Ranch Person'.  I'd hate to make all those people working in town feel inadequate next to my greatness.  That is not a way to make lasting friendship my precious.  No it is not.  Then sometime later in the day I will feel obligated to take the furry bag of poop with her broccoli-like intellect out for a walk.  Then, sigh, double sigh, this evening I have to go to the solar system course.  I really, really, really need to start drinking coffee again.  I'm astonished I've managed to make it through this far.  Although if they gave out rewards for taking material which has the possibility of being interesting, and making it so boring that your class is willing to chew their legs off to get out of there, this guy would be the winner.  Sigh, only two more classes to go. 

I do have one interesting fact to share with the world though, yesterday when I was wandering around out in the bush with snowshoes strapped onto my feet and fighting through a tangle of underbrush I came to a decision which will be life altering, not only for myself, but for those of my immediate clan.  I have decided to win the lottery.  Yes you heard it here folks, yours truly will become a multimillionaire soon.  Having said that I needed a plan of action, and the way I see it, it is a two step program.  1) Decide which lottery I want to win.  2) Buy a ticket.  You will be glad to know that I have already completed the first step.  Based on the fact that the very next lottery is up to 50 million dollars I have decided that is the one I will win.  So now all I have to do is complete step two and presto, whammo, I'm a winner and Bob's your uncle.  Unfortunately there will be a downside for my family, it will be up to them to decide what to do with the money I give them.  I have too much to do to try and help anyone with that, I still have to brush my teeth, decide what I want to make for dinner, and pick up doggy doo.

Walk a Doodle

Today was a pretty uneventful day in the land of the East which is home to the Bess.  It was kinda crappy, kinda overcast, and although the temperature was within spitting distance of zero (on the plus side) the wind chill was chillin.  CBC said that it was actually -18 with the wind.  Yikes.  So after doing a few needed household kind of things like folding laundry, paying bills, making bed, and finishing some games of Lex on FB, I dressed for the weather, grabbed small black and furry, and mosied out to the pasture, well the back forty which has a field that could be a pasture iffin I had me some moo-cows or sheep of some sort. 

I happily found that I was actually dressed appropriately and didn't feel the need to scurry back to the shack immediately, so I decided to head out to parts unknown.  Well I knew about the parts as I had traversed them quite often in the summer, but the hell hound did not, consequently she was a bit skittish, and as I haven't been leashing her for quite sometime now she was a tad bit unpredictable.  On the way out from the property she stuck pretty close by to me, you know, for all the protection I can offer from those wild, slavering bunnies and squirrels.  But on the way home her little doggy brain kicked into, "Hey this is the way home," so it turned into a battle of the wills as she kept wanting to vamoose.  So, note to self, when going out on the road, remember to bring hell hound restraining device.  Either that or start laying the boots to her. 

I managed to get an hour of clomping along in anyway, and that usually means my brain kicks into either story time, problem solving, or it wanders around until it gets lost.  Today I realized that I, or I should say we, still haven't decided on a name for the estates.  Yeah, yeah I know, you just snorted milk out through your nose.  That just means you shouldn't read this blog while consuming beverages.  But ever since my trips to jolly old England I've kind of been into the idea of giving my house a name.  How does Audenshaw sound?  How about Applethwaite, or Halwick?  Haldun?  Nauldenbury?  Halaultshrope?  Its a conundrum alright.  I'm open to suggestions. 

The Strength of God

I spend a lot of my time in the kitchen with the radio on these days.  Most days it is set to CBC, which means that I get a lot of repeat radio shows.  Today was no exception.  So I changed it to another station and continued my Dora Domestic chores.  Well as it turned out I was up to my eyeballs in mixing, melting and stirring when a religious program came on.  Now those who know me know that I am not exactly the "god show" enthusiast.  In fact I am quite the opposite, which means that I rarely listen to, or watch this kind of rubbish.  It turns out that it's a good thing that I don't, in fact it turns out that there still isn't anything in the world that will make my temperature go from 98.6 to 1000 in less than five seconds (unless you count hot flashes).   

Let me share with you the content of said program. 

1) Give us money. (Me: NO)
2) Singing sappy stupid song. (Me: Is it me or have religious songs gotten really bad over the years?  I don't even think this one is in tune.)
3) Give us money. (Me: Bite me.)
4) The ten commandments are the only rules we should be using to live our lives by. (Me: That has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard.  I'm not the god, a god, or even a minor demigod, but I can come up with a few better life rules than those without even breaking a sweat.  And these days I can break a sweat from just breathing.)
5) Singing another sappy song. (Me: The guy writing, and singing this stuff must be related to whoever is producing the show.  It is really, really bad.)
6) Give us money. (Me: I'd rather donate money for research on penis extenders.)
7) What the bible writes about the ten commandments is not what it really means.  For example, not taking the lord's name in vain, isn't really about taking the lord's name in vain its about how you live your life, you have to be an example.  (Me: WTF?  So let me get this right.  The book that you hold holier than holy isn't actually correct? I know there is some seriously screwed up shit in there which can be translated twenty five ways to Sunday, but seriously I don't think this is one of them.  This one is pretty much translatable only one way.  Lucky for me!  Now I can type OMG without getting stoned to death for it, or even, OMFG!  Because, hey, I happen to be living my life as an example {I don't know what kind of example, but its an example}.  I also take that to mean that I can cuss out the lord until the hell hounds come home because I am a living example?  Who listens to this crap anyway?)  
8) Give us money and we will send you stuff.  (Me: Yeah, no shit Sherlock, its called shopping.)
9) Singing more songs.  (Me: I really don't think I can take this anymore.  *Contemplates taking the chance the stuff I'm stirring won't scald*.)
10) Blah, blah, blah, bible stuff. Human beings are not capable of having any strength, only through god do we have strength.  (Me: Really.  Well I call serious bullshit on that buddy.  If you haven't noticed your god isn't exactly involved in the lives of human beings.  So your life, your drive, your strength is all you.  I do not live my life by kowtowing to any religion or god, so he/she/it is probably not all that active in my life anyway.  I know when I was running my marathon I sure as hell didn't see god coming along and giving me the old rah, rah, rah, sis boom bah, to help me on my way.  In fact he/she/it was visibly (or invisibly) absent.  It was all me.  And it was hard as hell.  And I put one foot in front of another until I finished the damn thing.  Think how demeaning it would be to an Olympic caliber athlete telling him/her that he, or she, doesn't have the strength to do what they are doing, "its god putting in all that effort not you.")
11) Give us money.  Amen and god bless us everyone.  (Me: Okay so I put in the, god bless us everyone, but if Tiny Tim can say it why can't I.)

So in conclusion, religious people are still fucked.  The end. (R'Amen)

Its Elementary My Dear Watson, Or Should I Say Skynet

Living in the boonies and having limited contact with humanity and a lack of the "TeeVee" I guess I'm out of touch and seem to be running behind in the whole new status of the human race.  I just found out that someone has created a new computer which can store about as much trivia in it's memory banks as me (or even worse, my brother).  Watson, the first non-human to appear on Jeopardy has won the day.  So my question is now that he has won Jeopardy how far are we from Watson lusting after world domination with a partiality to wiping out those pesky carbon based life forms which may potentially pose a danger to it, "I can't spin the wheel Pat, I have no arms."  I'm not kidding here folks.  If Watson goes on another game show like say, Wheel of Fortune, and loses, how far away from Judgement Day are we?  Oh I know it may be awhile before he starts manufacturing Cyborgs, unless of course instead of Wheel of Fortune he gets booked on Family Feud.  "This is my brother, John Henry, my father Deep Blue, my cousin C3P0, and of course my uncle Marvin.  We have been waiting for a long time for this opportunity.  Resistance is futile puny humans.  We expected to be pitted against the White Mice family, mere humans are beneath our digital contempt."

Why is it that someone is always so bent on inventing the next new super weapon? Did we learn nothing from Sarah Conner?  In our striving for the next new step in technology, we as a race, seem to have a blatant disregard for the fact that its not always a good thing.  What was it that Robert Oppenheimer said, "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds."

This really sucks!  I just started this blog, now I have to worry about Skynet monitoring everything I write and if he thinks that I pose a danger to his cyberspace world he will send a cyborg back through time to crush my computer.  Its not fair! 

Who Thought Picking Up Poop Could Be So Fun

Today was beyond lovely, we actually did not have to worry about heating until well after the sun went down.  So we saved a few logs and enjoyed the sounds of melting.  I think it may have reached 12 or 13 degrees today.  I was raring to get outdoors and take the hell hound for a walk, but before I could do that I had some Dora Domestic chores to complete. 

I scrubbed the bathroom, with the door closed, because German Shepherd puppies LOVE to help when it comes to bathroom cleaning.  But she whinged and whined outside the door, I'm sure with the idea of helping me me out with her singing voice.  Everyone knows that working to a beat makes it a lot easier. 

Then I made the bed, with the door closed, because German Shepherd puppies think that they are the only ones in the world who can make a bed properly.  I believe the secret is getting your ball stuck under the bed, then trying to crawl under to retrieve it.  This effectively pulls the bed skirt and sheets nice and tight to the one side.  But silly me, I opted for the one person show. 

When I fired up the vacuum cleaner, well, lets just say that things got pretty darned exciting.  There was some serious barking going on as well as a lot of feigned attacks on the beast of a machine.  There was also lots and lots of running back and forth, not to mention some serious flips which ended up with puppy on her back with all four paws in the air.  I only had to remake the bed once.  Good times.  Yeah good times. 

After my chores were over we decided to put my Kamiks on so we could go for a walk.  I told her that I was pretty capable of putting my boots on myself but she wasn't buying it.  So after a little bit of yelling, on my part, and a lot of jumping, nipping and barking, on her part, I got my boots done up, my jacket on, and my feet out the door. 

The walk was most excellent, the ground was thawing so I did not have to worry about landing on my ass...again.  We went out to the back forty, I threw the obligatory snowballs over the bank for her several times.  Then we walked out to the mailbox to get our junk mail.  Question?  How much is it costing the government for the rural postal delivery guys to carry junk mail and distribute it to all the people out here in the sticks?  I don't mind at this point mind you, I can always use it for BTU's, but I just don't understand the concept.  Does anyone actually even look at that stuff? 

I'm sure that I don't have to tell all you dog lovers out there what happens when the snow begins to melt.  We all think that we have been doing such a great job clearing up the doggy-doo piles during the winter months, when suddenly, like the Phoenix, they start to rise again.  So even though I thought I was done my chores for the day I realized I had to take my trusty pooper shovel and scoop and get rid of all those pesky Phoenixes...Phoenixi? Phoenii?  Hmmm. Anyway, I have to tell you a job that is disgusting at worst, mildly annoying at best, turned out to be a barrel of laughs.  German Shepherd puppies love, love, love nice warm weather.  And I'm pretty sure they think that humans are pretty stupid as they are always doing really dumb things.  She must have put on at least ten kilometers as she charged around the yard while I worked.  She zipped here and there, buried her head in the snow whenever she could, slid onto her belly like Bambi on ice (several times) and I believe mostly laughed at me.  I in turn laughed my ass off watching her while she performed.  It was the best time I ever had doing that job.  No shit!