Saturday, February 19, 2011

The Strength of God

I spend a lot of my time in the kitchen with the radio on these days.  Most days it is set to CBC, which means that I get a lot of repeat radio shows.  Today was no exception.  So I changed it to another station and continued my Dora Domestic chores.  Well as it turned out I was up to my eyeballs in mixing, melting and stirring when a religious program came on.  Now those who know me know that I am not exactly the "god show" enthusiast.  In fact I am quite the opposite, which means that I rarely listen to, or watch this kind of rubbish.  It turns out that it's a good thing that I don't, in fact it turns out that there still isn't anything in the world that will make my temperature go from 98.6 to 1000 in less than five seconds (unless you count hot flashes).   

Let me share with you the content of said program. 

1) Give us money. (Me: NO)
2) Singing sappy stupid song. (Me: Is it me or have religious songs gotten really bad over the years?  I don't even think this one is in tune.)
3) Give us money. (Me: Bite me.)
4) The ten commandments are the only rules we should be using to live our lives by. (Me: That has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard.  I'm not the god, a god, or even a minor demigod, but I can come up with a few better life rules than those without even breaking a sweat.  And these days I can break a sweat from just breathing.)
5) Singing another sappy song. (Me: The guy writing, and singing this stuff must be related to whoever is producing the show.  It is really, really bad.)
6) Give us money. (Me: I'd rather donate money for research on penis extenders.)
7) What the bible writes about the ten commandments is not what it really means.  For example, not taking the lord's name in vain, isn't really about taking the lord's name in vain its about how you live your life, you have to be an example.  (Me: WTF?  So let me get this right.  The book that you hold holier than holy isn't actually correct? I know there is some seriously screwed up shit in there which can be translated twenty five ways to Sunday, but seriously I don't think this is one of them.  This one is pretty much translatable only one way.  Lucky for me!  Now I can type OMG without getting stoned to death for it, or even, OMFG!  Because, hey, I happen to be living my life as an example {I don't know what kind of example, but its an example}.  I also take that to mean that I can cuss out the lord until the hell hounds come home because I am a living example?  Who listens to this crap anyway?)  
8) Give us money and we will send you stuff.  (Me: Yeah, no shit Sherlock, its called shopping.)
9) Singing more songs.  (Me: I really don't think I can take this anymore.  *Contemplates taking the chance the stuff I'm stirring won't scald*.)
10) Blah, blah, blah, bible stuff. Human beings are not capable of having any strength, only through god do we have strength.  (Me: Really.  Well I call serious bullshit on that buddy.  If you haven't noticed your god isn't exactly involved in the lives of human beings.  So your life, your drive, your strength is all you.  I do not live my life by kowtowing to any religion or god, so he/she/it is probably not all that active in my life anyway.  I know when I was running my marathon I sure as hell didn't see god coming along and giving me the old rah, rah, rah, sis boom bah, to help me on my way.  In fact he/she/it was visibly (or invisibly) absent.  It was all me.  And it was hard as hell.  And I put one foot in front of another until I finished the damn thing.  Think how demeaning it would be to an Olympic caliber athlete telling him/her that he, or she, doesn't have the strength to do what they are doing, "its god putting in all that effort not you.")
11) Give us money.  Amen and god bless us everyone.  (Me: Okay so I put in the, god bless us everyone, but if Tiny Tim can say it why can't I.)

So in conclusion, religious people are still fucked.  The end. (R'Amen)


  1. It seems ta me that God was punishing you for bailing out on the Mothercorp (re-runs and all). I must commend you on having the intestinal fortitude to listen to that kind of crap for more than ten seconds at a stretch (regardless of how busy you hands might have been). In those circumstances I pretty much instantly develop acute Tourettes and start verbally outbursting for the few moments that it might take for me to use my head, feet or assorted other body parts in a desperate need to make the radio stop hurting me.

    My personal rules for religiosity? Feel free to believe in whatever Fairytale you wanna and feel free to live by the *rules* that your personal Sky-juju sets...the nanosecond you think *your* rules apply to me or anyone else it's time to get thrown under the enlightenment bus. Here's my test for people of faith. We both fly to a distant place. I fly using a plane designed by engineers and technicians and piloted by men and women who trained for years to learn the technical requirements of flying airplanes. You get to fly in one designed by *priests* who prayed for divine insight into aerodynamics and piloted by fervent acolytes whose faith will sustain their priest-built airplane. If you are unwilling to fly on 'Sky-juju' airlines then STFU about being honestly devout. How can a *god* who can't even provide something as simple as good mass transportation devices be entrusted with something complex like running the entire friggin Universe?

    The good news for me is that I've started finding a whole host of Internet radio stations that play the Ambient electronica I like. Between that and the CD players and the good old Mothercorp I'm set.

  2. Ha, I heard that one the other day, it is good. But I find that people *of faith* can rationalize themselves out of pretty much anything. It is pretty much a waste of time trying to have a rational conversation with them. Although to be honest I do like have some discussions with the mormon boys, they are so silly and so gullible.

  3. Why would you even attempt to have a rational conversation with someone who believes in talking snakes, fitting 2 of each of the entire earth's animal kingdom on a boat or the parting of the seas by the command of a man? I mean really now.

  4. Well there is always that hope that you can corrupt them to the evil ways of science and reason.