Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Fundamentalist Pastafarian

When people ask me what my religious affiliations are I always tell them that I am a Pastarfarian.  As a Pastafarian I believe that the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the midget, the mountain, and the tree.  I also believe that global warming is caused by the reduction in number of pirates, who are the chosen people of the FSM, His great Noodliness.  People usually laugh and think that either I am being funny or that I was dropped on my head as a child.  But for those of you who are doubting Thomas's here is the link to the site of the One True Church  http://www.venganza.org/ .  The founder, and profit, is none other than Bobby Henderson, may he always be touched by His Noodly Appendages. 
My religion believes that the holy days are celebrated every Friday.   It also celebrates Halloween as the most holy of all holy days where the Pastafarians dress up like pirates and give away candy to children.  Or maybe they eat the candy and give away the children?  It is also a great day to drink the grog?  Anyway you look at it, it is a holy, holy day.  The great thing about the Pastafarian religion is that it is almost dogmatic about not having any dogma.  Heaven consists of beer volcanoes and stripper factories.  There are some great swear words in the gospel.  Grog is the beverage of choice.  Anyone can join, anyone can quit, and anyone can be touched by the FSM's warm noodley appendages.  No money ever changes hands, unless you want to buy the TShirt, or donate to the fund to build the pirate ship.  International Talk Like A Pirate Day is a kick ass day matey.  Sometimes the FSM overindulges in the grog and strange things happen, check out the Earth he created it when he was a little hung over.  No need to say anything else about that.  He also didn't give us ten commandments just seven "I really rather you didn'ts" but basically he just wants you to be nice to everyone. 
People say, "ha-ha, you are crazy, that religion sounds a little far fetched."  Well I challenge anyone to check out the other religions in the world and see if they aren't crazy and far fetched as well.  Here are a few examples of what other religions may do, or believe:

1) wear magic underwear
2) cover themselves from head to toe in black sacks
3) believe that their deity is a zombie
4) believe that their deity has multiple personality disorder
5) believe that it is okay to kill anyone who doesn't believe the same stuff as they do
6) think that animals were put on earth for man to do whatever they want with them
7) buy new running shoes and commit suicide
8) want the world to end so they can go to heaven and enjoy the fact that non believers will suffer eternal torture
9) need to marry a bunch of underage children and have sex with them
10) baptize dead people
11) baptize babies
12) believe that Thetans are hanging out in your head causing all your problems
13) give money to TV preachers who tell them that they were talking to god yesterday and god was pretty adamant that everyone give them money otherwise god will be taking them home then turn around and spend it on mansions, private jets, and hookers
14) Xenu is a bad alien dude who used planet earth as his very own concentration camp and his final solution was a lot worse than Hitler's
15) think its okay to stone a woman to death for adultery even if she was raped
16) prophets can fly to heaven on a human faced horse
10) think that god helped them pass the test, get the touch down, saved their house, healed their grandmother, killed their grandmother, burnt down their house, caused them to fail the test as a test of faith, catch the ball, miss the ball during the final seconds of the game, found Snoopy, got Snoopy run over, told them to love thy neighbour but will be on their side when they go to war, and if they don't win the war it's because the world is evil and the gays are responsible, doesn't want them to use medicine, wants them to use medicine, is against drugs, is for marijuana, will torture you forever and ever if you don't believe in him but loves you so much that he sent his only son to die for your sins which you inherited when you were born because someone thousands of years ago ate an apple which was the forbidden fruit of knowledge which he said they couldn't eat but a talking snake came along and convinced them it was okay because they had freewill but because they chose something different then what god wanted them to do then they and everyone else born forever after must pay for it and pay dearly, but he loves you

So does anyone still think that being a Pastafarian is the craziest thing ever? 

1 comment:

  1. You forgot the one where people think God wants them to mutilate the genitals of their infants & small children.