Thursday, January 3, 2013


This is my second post for 2013, the Year of the Holey Underwear, and as I sit here and ponder upon the day I realize that even after all these years of living on the planet Earth I still don't understand men.  Even my particular man is a bit of a mystery to me.  On one hand he is kind, loving, useful, industrious, handy, and clever, with a tendency to sprout hair on random parts of his body.  That I understand, but with an amazing, wonderful wife like me who wouldn't be all those things and more?  On the other hand he is impatient, temperamental, aggravating, irksome, irascible, volatile, vexing, and grumpy…sometimes all at the same time.  Some days I wonder how he even dares to go to sleep after being a total dickwad all day.  You see it wouldn't surprise me if he woke up with no eyebrows, or half his moustache missing, or the words, "I need a Spanking" written on his forehead in indelible black marker. 
The thing I've noticed about men which makes no sense to me at all, is that when something isn't going their way then suddenly it is like the Zombie Apocalypse.  The world becomes this brutal, terrible place where hordes of the undead shuffle menacingly towards you so they can eat your brain.  There is the wailing, the gnashing of the teeth, the incoherent moaning, and the rending of the hair.  And the Zombies make a lot of noise as well. 

My hubby has always had a time issue, no matter where he is going he has to be on time, and god forbid that he be late for anything because the world as we all know it would undergo a terrible transformation too hideous to envision.  Slowly over the years the time issue has gone from "have to be on time," to "must be there early," to "OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING IN BED?  WE HAVE TO BE AT OUR APPOINTMENT IN SEVEN HOURS AND WE STILL HAVE A HALF HOUR DRIVE AHEAD OF US!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO TAKE A SHOWER, GET DRESSED AND HAVE BREAKFAST?  ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?"  It really is starting to border on the psychotic. 

You see, the being "on time" thing is okay with me, in fact it's okay in spades, I don't like to be late, I think it is rude. However, being early is a whole other kettle of sardines, for me it can be a bit irksome depending on what it is.  If I am a half hour early going somewhere that I am unfamiliar with, or need to be careful on the highway/find parking/the office/the room then great, it makes sense.  An hour early to a bank appointment where we sit in the vehicle and wait, or worse, the bank lobby, I am not a fan of.  Early, of any sort, to somewhere we haven't established a time to be, and no one gives a big, fat, hairy, rat's ass what time we show up.  Well let's just say I find that to be quite irksome.  Getting yelled at for not being ready the second he is, to go somewhere where we don't have a time we need to be there by - I will get fucking perturbed!   

Let me clarify this though, I typically am not a happy camper when I get yelled at, at anytime, mainly because I am not three years old, but also because I do not yell at people (unless they are three) when I get a little worked up.  I have zero qualms about yelling back at people who yell at me, but typically I don't find it to be a very useful way of communications.  Over the years I have found that people DO NOT RESPOND WELL to getting yelled at.  In fact as a person, manager, boss, parent, etc I have made it a point not to yell at people when I am frustrated. So getting yelled at pisses me off to no end, getting yelled at for no fucking reason whatsoever makes me want to go around the house and destroy all the clocks with a baseball bat. 

Now I am not saying that there aren't any good reasons to yell at someone; for example, "Holy shit! They're giving away free label makers at the mall. Grab your jacket!" (You have to have a little OCD to understand how exciting label makers can be.) Or, "Run for your life there is a Zombie on your tail!" 

Okay I'm pretty sure I have to quit ranting now because all I seem to be doing is getting myself more and more pissed off.  So deep breaths, in, out, in, out, in, out.  Thoughts of sunshine, and puppy dogs.  Noodles, and poodles.  India ink, and cerulean blue.  That's better....chocolate, lottery wins, warm breezes, tropical beaches, turkey much better. 

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