Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Chatting With My Lake

My lake is a real Chatty Cathy, she grumbles, gurgles, cracks, and blurgs pretty much all winter.  Yesterday while I was taking advantage of the sunny, warm, plus temperatures and out fixing a stack of wood which had fallin over in a wind storm a few weeks ago, then got covered in snow, then froze to the ground, my lake and I had a good long chat. 

Me: Son of a bitch this piece of wood is not coming loose.  (Whack, whack, whack - that is me hitting wood with a piece of wood to try to loosen it from the frozen ground.)

Lake: Blurgle...blurb...gup?

Me: That's easy for you to say all you have to do is laze around under the ice. 

Lake: Gurrrruple....boogle...blah. 

Me: Yeah well screw you too. 

And so on. 

For those of you who do not have the opportunity to live by a lake (first let me commiserate with you and tell you how sorry I am) I will explain the dynamics.  Fall comes and the lake starts cooling down, winter happens and the lake freezes over, during the winter the sun comes out and warms things, or the snows fly, or the temperatures drop and freeze things more, and meanwhile under the ice the lake is still wet.  So it warms, it cools, it moves, etc, as all this stuff happens the ice is not quite as mobile, and doesn't care to be, so noises happen.  Something so loud that you can actually hear it in the house.  Actually a lot of times that happens, there have been many a night that I have drifted off to sleep listening to my lake talking to me. 

Okay here is the part of my blog where I am going to do some serious bitching about an asshole product called Babylon Search.  So cover your ears because I will be doing some serious ranting.  You see the hubby needs a picture of himself, passport size, for this thing that he needs, and the rules say he doesn't need a "for real, taken by professionals" picture, but it has to be a specific size.  How hard can that be right?  So Iron Bess grabs her trusty camera and takes around a hundred pictures of hubby against a light background.  (He is still working on getting his vision back after all the flashes.)  So I go through all the pictures and pick out the one(s) I think will make him look less like Clem Kadiddlehopper, or Guido, and start trying to get the right size.  So I try my first photoshop type program and cannot get it to the correct size, then I try another, and another...then I start swearing like a pirate on shore leave.  Then I go to Google and ask pretty please for a program which will help me do passport pictures.  Presto...there is a program on the first line.  So I download it for free. 

It turns out that it also is a piece of shit program which does not miraculously turn my pictures into a regulation sized passport picture, all it does is give me an outline and assumes you already have the correct sized picture to fit into it.  At this point I say fuck, and a lot of other bad words, and I delete its ass.  But guess what?  It also downloaded another sneaky hitch hiking program along with it called Babylon Search, and even though it specifically said that if I did not want it I could easily delete it, it fucking lied.  Lied big!!!!!  Bastards...sons of a bitches!!!!  Scum sucking, weinerless turds!!!!  It turns out that Babylon Search acts like a virus and refuses to allow you to get rid of its ass.  So then, of course, I did some searching on the net to see if there were any solutions to get rid of it.  There is...a lot of them.  Oh and there are a lot more people out there who hate these guys....way more than me.  But none of the solutions have worked.  Guess why?  Because those Babylon Bastards have been fixing all those methods of cancelling them out.  I hope someone takes a garfangle and sticks it in a place where it will really hurt those yellow bellied, slithering Slytherns. 

Sigh.  So now I am off to help the hubby murder a few more trees for next year's firewood requirements.  The temperatures dropped in the night which means the ground should be frozen, which means that if we drop a few trees and take them up to our wood lot they won't be covered in five inches of mud by the time we get them there, which means when we try to buck them up our chains won't go dull in seconds.  So when I come back from tree murdering I will have the joy-joy experience of trying to get rid of a shit-assed, scum sucking, program.  If ayone out there has a solution for me I would be greatly indebted to you and if I were to ever have another child I would repay you by naming it after you.  :)

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